Ramblings on yet another passing year.

Ok,so Im going through this sudden bout of Nostalgia and listening to Avril Lavigne.Yes.Avril Lavigne.

And not her horrible new songs either.

The first album.

The one that I would listen to when I was 12 and dance around at 2 in the morning.

Stuff like 'Skater boi' and 'Complicated.'

I'd listen to 'My world' and 'Things i'll never say' and wonder when THAT guy would come around.

And THAT guy DID come along.

Anyone believe in forever?

I do.

I was talking to him today.

You know when you are on the phone and that someone says 'bye' and you just don't reply so that they will not hang up the phone?

It's crazy and horribly cheesy ,but yeahh.

I guess my lameacts of 2009 are going to carry onto 2010 after all.

Humph.

I still pick the chocolate chips off my muffin so I can eat it separately later.

I still sneak downstairs at 3 in the morning so that me and my friend can get some food out for that stupid chick-flick even though you SO badly want to watch 'The haunting in Connecticut' which you end up sleeping to ANYWAY.

Ohh yeahh. And when you cant find the food you want-just throw something in a saucepan and cross your fingers and pray and hope that it is at least edible enough to last throughout the movie before YOU are the one who gets scared that they are going to die.

Whats my point?

We do not change.

I mean,we do,but those little little things we do like snorting(I do it waaayyyy too many times) shaking your bum around to Ms.Lavigne ,loving criminology and all aspects of it-they do not change.

Not unless you want it to change.

Which Im sure you wouldn't .

Because that would just completely suck.

Its YOU. Its what makes YOU YOU.

Embrace it. Hold it close and never eeevvverrrrr let it go.

Someone is going to love it one day.

Yeahh,Im an optimistic.So sue me.

2010. Its a new decade. And I am happy to say that instead of sitting on my bed and studying yours truly's butt off while stuffing faces with Lindt chocolate like last time-its not gonna happen this time.

No.

This time-I am going for the countdown with friends and scream 3,2,1 at the top of my lungs.I am going to jump up and down and celebrate a new year.Why?Because it brings me closer to HIM.It brings me closer to achieving my dreams and NOW instead of saying "Yeah,I'll see you in 4 years",I can say "THREE MORE YEARS, BABY!"

I can be happy.Its 2010.Its the decade where I am going to get into uni,get a job ,get married and have that lameass cookie cutter dream which although is completely shallow-its what I want to live in. I want to pull all nighters because I have an important case to work on.I want to go holidaying in the Bahamas.But,most importantly,I want to be with the people that I love.I want to go shopping with Starry,tie up Specky's hair and smile at HIM.I want to tell Mimi that she looks pretty even though she wails that her hair is in a mess.I want to be besties with Slushie again.I want to say out loud the 'Things I'll never say.'

I want to renew friendships with the ones I lost out on ,and although it may be utterly and completely crazy-I am not going to do this because 'Its the new year.'Because guess what?

Life is too short.

Im sick of leaving it upto destiny and as a very wise soulmate once said-'I believe in destiny,but I believe you have to work to get it.'

So. Its time to roll up my sleeves,fill up UCAS forms ,get into Kings and graduate with top honours. Its cheesy and oh-so-gay,but its the way I want to live it.

And you know what?

When the next decade rolls around,Im still going to sneak down at 3 in the morning,Im still going pick the chocolate chips outta my muffin,Im still going to drink unhealthy cappuccino,and Im still going to snort. Got a problem?

Walk-aroo.

I walked today.

Just walked.

I walked upto the London eye.

Its great,isn't it?

Being alone.

It is then that you are vulnerable .So,the epiphanies hit you.

Its like an action movie.

Big bubbles of happiness float and zoom simultaneously towards you and they hit you with no impact but you experience a mind-jolt and you know.

You know what your music does and will always do.

You know why you do the crazy pajama dance.

You know why you copy WHATEVER Jon Foreman does when you are at a show.

You know who you will spend the rest of your life with.

I guess,in the end its just knowing that sets you straight.

It sets you where you are.

They say ignorance is bliss.

Well,pick me up and blow me apart.

Its finger lickin' baloney.

You need to know. You need to know to exist.

You cant just live a life of not knowing,of naivety ,of ignorance.

What kind of a life is that?

That is why you push.

You push for all that is worth.

You strive to find out and you don't care if it annoys them,because what the hell, right?

You NEED to know.

So,in the end you can listen to 'Dream on' and sing with Aerosmith.

So,that in the end you don't wonder what the truth is.

Its just for you.

Its all for you.

Yeah,it does suck ,knowing.

But its better than sitting around wondering 'what if?'

So,assuming,Ceteris Paribus-you know.

And you are having a bad day?

Curl under your quilt with either a movie or awesome songs on your iPod and a box of chocolates and Oreos.

Fall asleep to the music.

Wake up and feel much better.

Always works.

Then go online and tell all your friends on webcam that you love them and feel that lift when they say it back too.

And if that doesn't work ,walk to the London Eye with Maltesers and Twix and wait for the realization to hit.

Theories of love and such...

In one minute you can burn a piece of toast.
In one minute you can stand in the rain and get soaked.
In one minute you can talk to someone and find out their name,address and what they do.
In one minute you can change from being happy to sad.
In one minute you can smile and say thank you.
In one minute you can hear the most shocking piece of news ever.
In one minute...in one minute you can summon the courage to tell someone you love them.
In that space of time everything stands still.You feel full of life because everything you feel starts pouring out.Its not the stub of a toe or the wail as burnt toast fills the air. Its the brink of emptiness as everything falls out-because believe it or not love is a kind of loss.
It is giving yourself away to someone who deserves you giving yourself away to them.
Love is being fearless.
Love is trust.
Love is hope.
Because when you love ,you unlock all those feelings out to a person.
Love isnt made.
Love cannot be made.
Love has no rules.
Love is endless boundaries.
Love is kissing fiercely in the pouring rain,love is walking down the street with hands clasped,love is lying on the grass and listening to 'meant to live' in the damp damp grass and staring up at the stars just because it is fun.
Love is not letting the panic bring you down.
Love is life simply because we are not strong enough to spend the rest of our lives alone.
Love is you.
Love is me.
Love is you and me.
I love you.




There we go.My own theories to the works of love.

Points duly noted on a walk

We start walking
It is chilly outside
The sky overhead is grey and cloudy
Obviously
Turn the corner
Noticed: Cigarette butts lying on the side of the pavement-the line where the grass meets the concrete
Someone was evidently staking out
The question is who?
And why?
Ssssshhhhhhhhh …..…
Keep walking
Noticed: A discarded McDonalds Happy meal carton with fries surrounding it.
Some kid didn’t like their Happy meal.
Or on the more believable side- just threw a tantrum because they didn’t get the burger they wanted
The fries smell so good and looks so lonely that you almost want to pick them and introduce them to the contents of your stomach.
Like any psychopath would.
I resist.

Keep walking





And walking




Walking……
A motorcycle zips by
ZOOM
I smile like a kid who just opened her Christmas presents and found a hundred Barbie dolls
I look excitedly around.
No one appears to have noticed the sexy Harley Davidson zip by with the equally sexy motorcycle dude on it.
I look dejected like a kid who just found out she got 10 Barbie dolls instead of 100.
Keep trooping.
A car alarm beeping because some asshole probably bumped into it accidentally –on –purpose
I don’t know why.
Ask him
He probably needed some extra cash.
No owner running down to see what happened to the car

Walking
Walkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalk
Blah blah blah
Stop walking
Do a 180 degree turn
Walk back home
The car alarm is sill blaring
Haven’t they heard of noise pollution?
Noticed: Crushed cigarette packet with the words ‘SMOKING KILLS’ emblazoned across it.
No one really cares.
At least the guy who bought the packets doesn’t
I shake my head at the stupidness and pig-headedness of those who pick up a cigarette packet and keep on walking
Turn onto my street
Another motorcycle zooms by
ZIP
An evil /excited/happy/jubilant/exultant smile spreads across my face.
This time I don’t bother to look and see if anyone else saw it
Instead, I just gaze at the bike adoringly, lovingly as it races down the street and I make a promise to date a biker.
Preferably one who wears leather jackets ,so I can borrow them and look cool .
And I can ride on the back of his equally sexy bike and everyone will know me as the girl who dates the biker.
Maybe we will even fall in love.
And get married.
And then one day our marriage will break because he will be caught in a drug bust and then everyone will know me as the girl whose husband is in jail.
Well.
It was just a dream.
Keep walking.
Near the familiar lights of home-a red brick house with an enormous lawn and an overgrown hedge.
I smell chicken curry.
Yummmm.
Walk terminated.

mylovestory

When it stops raining ,it stops slowly.
The sun begins to peek out and the street is still wet.
The trees still drip-the weight of water too much for their thin limbs to handle.
You are standing there.
The rain caught up with you and you are trying to shake the water away.But it clings to your hair like a child that will not let go.
I am outside my house.My coat is drawn around me.You are at the end of the street and I know you want to talk.
I dont want to talk.I just want to remember.The way my head fit into the curve where your neck and shoulder meet.When we hold hands it is like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle finding each other.
The clouds are moving apart.It is becoming brighter as you walk closer.I want to race into the house and lock the door so that you cannot come in.You dont come any closer.
You knock at Anne's house.She opens the door.You say something,she laughs and you walk inside.
My heart stops.And then starts.
I fold myself and I drop on the grass.
I am too shocked to cry.
I am overwhelmed by grief.
You have moved on.I close my eyes.I cant cry,I cant scream.
I close my eyes and sleep blankets.

~~~~

When I wake up ,grass is tickling my nose.I almost sneeze.My nose is cold like it always is when everything around me drops temperature.
'Ohmygod I just fell asleep on the front lawn' is my first thought.
I sit up ,rubbing my eyes.What time is it?My gaze focuses.
I see you.
Anger boils over.I cant speak.I clench my hands.
"Hey.." You say.
"Dont...I...stop...talk."I close my eyes.Ok,deep breaths.
I get up.
"Are you OK?"
"No.Ok.Im not.You...just...cant...choose ...Anne."
I am stammering.
What is wrong with me?
Stupid Anne Crenshaw.
Supid him.
Stupid me.
Stupid rain.
I try breathing.
I cant.
I move towards the house.Everything swims in front of me.I keep on moving.He is saying something.I dont care.
I walk inside and slam the door.
I am alone.Blissfully alone.I find that I am crying and i wonder at the embarassment of crying in front of him,of letting my defences down.
I lift both hands to wipe away the tears and find that in both of my hands I am clutching tufts of grass and in my left hand a single velvet rose-water glittering on its petals-a rose that didnt belong to my garden until five minutes ago when I had woken up.

~~~~

I walk out of my house the next day,my defences up and my feet on solid ground.
No crying,I tell myself.
Just keep on walking.I walk towards the bus stand.
You are there.
I keep myself from swearing out loud.
Calm and composed.Ignore him.
I jam my iPod earphones into my ears.
You come up.You are saying something.
Ha.I cant see you,I cant hear you.
My gaze is fixated on the book in front of me.You bend down and lift the book from my grasp.
I gasp. Audibly.
My eyes meet yours.
Your gaze is intent.
I nearly shrink away.
Nearly.
I attempt to grab my book but my finger grasp empty air.You gently tug and my earphones fall away.Snow patrol fades away into my lap.
You keep gazing.
"You moved on quickly. You saw stupid Anne.And then you have the gall to lay a single bloody rose on my lawn." I accuse ,hotheadedly.
So much for my cool headed resolve.
"Anne?"
"Yeah.Yesterday."OK ,NO CRYING."
"Why would I want Anne when you are the apple of my eye?" You ask,bemused.
I almost bloom like a new rose.
Almost.
"Because she is tall and blonde and-"
"You are beautiful," You cut across.
"Right.So you say."
"Anne is nothing compared to the way you nose turns cold when the weather is sucky and freezing.She is nothing compared to how you are the only one I know who can talk your way into any conversation."
"Why were you at her house?" A quiet murmur.
"Because she has the best rose grden in the universe?"
I look up.
"I love you,cant you see?"
Harlan Coben is right.
Snow Patrol is wrong.
"Those three words,they say so much,its not enough."
Baloney.They were enough.

"This is the story of my life.."

...Says 30 seconds to Mars.The moving bit,I mean.



There is always this divine feeling of satisfaction after you have just visited the Switchfoot website.I guess,its just knowing what is going on in the Switchfoot world that gives me this rush...like "what you do speaks so loudly that I cannot see anything else."
So...it is 5 in the morning and I am sitting and typing this.The sun is rising and my eyes hurt but..haha,whatever,I am up and that matters.I am staying over at my friends house and in my ears ring...well.
I dunno.
I have actually met someone who knows what it is like to be on that side of the world.
You know,where religion matters.She is sleeping right on the other side of the bed.
I admit,I have never thought much about believing.
But,recently,a very good friend of mine rekindled my hope in the spiritual sector and he didnt even do it by preaching.No,when we talk about it,I start to believe,and I dont know whether it is because I love him so much or whether I actually want to believe.
I dont know which is better.Probably the latter because it shows that i actually have faith in what i should believe.
But what if i do believe and it is empty?
What if I believe because I am supposed to believe,not because I do?
What does that make me?
Argh..but enough of the what if's and the believing.
I am here.
And I want to dedicate this entry (I dont even know if you can do that-can you do that?>Oh,well,but i am doing it<)to someone who stayed up the whole night with me before i left,who reminds me that i am not alone,who will love me unconditionally and whose love is so strong. For someone who is smart and my best friend and an amazing person and will be there for me....my "From yesterday" and "4:12" will always be there and so will you.
And we will argue everything out and I miss you terribly.
Daim,I miss the way you are SO patient with me when i get pissed off.
To good friends and awesome people and amazing photographers.
To wine =p and beautiful us-es.
To nice hair
To Jared Leto.
To us.
Puss - this is for you.
I honestly have nothing better to do =p
But I'd rather type this out to you other than anything else.
I love you.
BFF.

The story of my life....

Advertisements and newspapers...

Ok..for those of you who live in india they have these really weird magazine thingies that come out with party pages.
you know...who is the next WHO and who is where and who is doing what.
And when there is a picture of someone looking at something they have those really dumb caption going "looking on" or "gazing on" or "staring on".
Or someone wears a black and white sari ,"Black and white"
Or if someone wears spectacles "Spectacular".
Or two people arm in arm "linked in".
You get the point.
My point being:What is up with that?
Cant people come up with a more productive way to caption pictures?
Is it an absolute need to use the same phrases over and over again?
People will never learn.
Oh,and there are those really dumb ads.
Where M.S.Dhoni talks about how easy it is to use facebook on Aircel wearing a hideous blue t-shirt ,white blazer and a red scarf that looks like it came from the the farm in the suburbs.
If they want people to use their products,they seriously have to come up with a more efficient way than telling people that using pocket internet makes you feel like "man of the match."
i mean,look at that zoozoo phenomenon that hit IPL a couple of months ago.
You know one ad i really dont mind though? All of the ones with Rishabh Jain in it.
I love that kid.He is adorable.
Huh.
If my friend heard me saying that right now she would jump up and down pumping her arms,pointing and screaming "PAEDOPHILE !" at the top of her lungs.
But thats just her.
Any sane person will know exactly what I am talking about
=p
Ahhh..speaking of moving ,the time has finally come to sort out unmeaningful scraps of paper from the meaningful scraps of paper. And throw out the unmeaningful scraps while treasuring the meaningful scraps.
For me ,of course,that would mean phone numbers and photos and guitar ads that I love.they all go into my treasure box.Yes,I just said treasure box.
Hmmm..boxes,boxes,everywhere.
Farewells,farewells,everyday.
I feel busy.
Thats a good thing ,right?
Till whenever I feel like it>That sounds hopelessly wrong<
Bee
=)

Hello Hurricane

Yeahh...the name of the NEW SWITCHFOOT album.
Hello Hurricane.
Apparently Hello Hurricane is about acknowledging the storms that tear through our lives ...this album an attempt to respond to those storms with an element of hope,trying to uderstand what it means to be hopeful in a world that keeps on spinning.
Or so Jon Foreman says.
But,i really do hope thatthe album is like that.But then,what the hell-it will be.Switchfoot never fails to surprise me.
So...what am i doing thsews days?
Hanging out online ,watching movies ,writing a novel (Oooooh yes...) and packing.
For what ,you ask?
Oh ,just because IAMMOVINGTOENGLAND.
Not that i really cared when i first heard.
But then over time ,it registered.Like,today I was watching TV(after a really long time may i say) and there was this one hour program on madame Tussauds. And they were going on about how they make it and how it is a very long process to make one-6 months in fact-and how real they are. Simply because the wax gives a real like effect. And the hair is actually real human hair.
Awesome.
Oh,well.
I also have a gigantic pimple the size of mount everest just above my lip.
I think Edmund Hilary will see it and go "Oh no.Here we go again"
But thats just him.
When I get pimples they rival mountains.
Oh,and there is the Big ben!I have alwayd dreamt of seeing it when i was kid.I dont know why.I mean,its just a gigantic clock.People love it. What gives?
Oh,and Trafalger Square. Hmmm..Guess i will have to go there and see what everyone is talking about.
But there is the shopping....which could cause you to go a whole month without food. Because,you know Louis Vuitton coats do cost a LOT. But ,hey its just clothes. i just need converse and a hoodie to keep me happy. And Switchfoot. I really hope to get their Special Deluxe Edition CDs there ,by the way. AND DVDS. Oh,and maybe they will go there on tour.
Ill try not to dream too much.
So now that i am packing and have two weeks more to go...
ARGH
I hate moving just as much as I love it.
Till later,
Bee